Last Sunday's Spin

So, I started going to the Sunday spinning class at my spinning place a couple of weeks back, and I really like the instructor, Sarah. She's a serious road cyclist whom I can tell does a lot of hard-core, long-distance riding. She really pushes us, and focuses a lot on form, which I've found really useful.

All fall, Sarah has been putting her Sunday class through training classes, with the ultimate goal being the completion of a 30 minute race. The race was last Sunday, and even though I hadn't been training with the class, she convinced me to come anyway.

It was quite an event! She took it really seriously, and even had us pick inspirational quotes out of a hat before we started. She emphasized that this was our chance to really push ourselves and see what we were capable of. The scenario was that we had to out-run (well, out-cycle) a storm -- we could hear it in the distance throughout the session.

Because we were on spinning bikes, there was no real finish line -- we were essentially racing against ourselves. I worked really hard, and it felt so great to finish. In fact, I got rather emotional at the end -- a few tears were shed.

If you had told me a year and a half ago that I would be kicking ass in a high-intensity spinning race, I would have laughed at you. When I was bigger, spinning was one of the most intimidating fitness activities I could imagine. But now I'm in pretty good shape, and I work my butt (and quads, and hamstrings) off once or twice a week. That's worth a few tears of happiness.

Update

Oh girls, how I fail you. I'm sorry my posts are so irregular. I honestly don't know how everyone finds the time to post so frequently! (I'm glad you do, but I wish I could too!) I hope some of you use RSS readers (like Google Reader) to monitor the blogs you read -- at least that way you won't forget about lil' ol' irregular me!

So, I didn't weigh in this week. Last week was terrible. I was back at the cave-like research facility with catered meals and bowls of candy. Worst of all, this happened on a Thursday (Wednesday is the start of my WW week). So I pretty much used up all my flex in a SINGLE day... which consequently ruined my whole week. I am really terrible at messing up early on in the week and then letting that ruin the whole thing. I just don't know what to do when I use up flex points that early! I had outings and parties every day that whole week, so I basically just ate what I wanted and didn't track at all. BAD MEREDI.

This week, however, I am in recovery mode and am completely on track. I did Turbo Kickboxing Wednesday night after my meeting, and I'll go spinning Saturday morning and Sunday morning. That's a minimum of 3 high intensity workouts, and then I'll try to squeeze something in either Monday or Tuesday. Our company Christmas party is tonight, which is a tad worrying, but I'm eating lightly during the day and I feel like I can take whatever gets thrown at me tonight. We're going to a restaurant, so I'll get to order a single meal rather than eat off a buffet, which is a really huge boon.

I want to write about something else big, but I think I'll save that for the next post. :)

Bad Meredi!

I keep forgetting to blog!

Actually, not so much forgetting, as not having time. I seriously don't know where it goes.

Suffice it to say that I am ON TRACK for the week. I've been working out like a madwoman. The exciting thing is that I bought cycling shoes on Saturday. I tried them out at spinning on Sunday, and oh my goodness... they rock! I can't believe how much better my workout is with them, because I can actually push down and pull up on the pedals at the same time.

I never thought I'd get this excited about a piece of fitness equipment, but there you have it. :)

Last night we went out with J's parents to celebrate his promotion. We went to a hot pot restaurant (called "iCook Buffet"... hahaha). Now, I've had hotpot a few times, both at home and at restaurants, but I'd never experienced anything quite like this before. They had dozens and dozens of boilable items in their buffet, from blood jello to octopus, lotus root to mini corn. It was really yummy, but it was also really difficult to keep track of my points. I over-ate (felt a little uncomfortable after) but I feel like MAYBE most of that was veggies and mushrooms. I guess I'll find out on Wednesday when I weigh in :)

Weigh-In Results: 156.8

Ha, well, it's my highest weight in a few months, but at least my body did what I asked!

Now I'm in loss mode for this week. I'm going home to my parents' place for the weekend, and my mom is now doing WW herself, so I think it's going to be a LOT easier than in the past. I'm actually looking forward to swapping snack and recipe ideas with her!

What a far cry from before, when I was even afraid to tell her I was on WW...

The Photo That Keeps Me Motivated

Lately I keep opening this photo just to look at myself, because I like it so much. On one hand it feels vain, but on another hand I think it's good to appreciate the differences between then and now. If I don't fully appreciate everything I have now, from my improved health to the way I now look, the easier it will be for me to regress.

So here's my happy picture :)

(click to enlarge)

Just keep me under 157...

So, as I might have mentioned before, I am a usability consultant. What this means is that now and then I run usability tests in research facilities... otherwise known as dark little caves with one-way mirrors, catered lunches and dinners, and endless supplies of mini chocolate bars.

Last week my company ran its longest test ever -- three full days! This meant I was in a dark cave with oodles of goodies for... three full days!

Let's just say it wasn't pretty. I didn't count points for... three full days!

I'm not proud. But I have a recovery plan. I wrote off all my flex and APs for the week and am allowing myself 22 points a day (my "losing" points amount rather than my "maintenance" points amount). I went to spinning yesterday, spinning and yoga today, and am going to do kickboxing at the gym tomorrow night.

I reaaaally want to weigh in at my meeting on Wednesday so I don't have to worry about my monthly weigh-in again until December. I just don't like it weighing on my mind (pun not intended) any longer than it has to.

Please, body, just stay below 157. That's all I ask. Please please please.

Rockin' The Week

I find that if I stay on track at the beginning of the week, it's all good. If I lose control at the beginning and have some sort of binge, then it's game over for the rest of the week, no matter how much I try to tell myself to "let bygones be bygones" and start over fresh. I know that life will be so much easier if I forgive myself and move on, but for some reason I just can't do that until my flex reset. For some reason having very few flex left to play with really weighs on me and makes me screw up over and over again.

This was what happened last week.

This week, however, I am rocking. I didn't even eat all my points yesterday -- I had 1.5 points left by bedtime, plus 4 or 5 APs unused. It has been a looong time since that happened. Tonight I dipped into flex by 10 or so (we went out for Tunisian) but it's all good -- I planned for it and don't have too many social commitments for the rest of the week, so I should still be fine. Not only that, I am still full and don't feel the need for a treat now that I'm back home like I so often do!

Marie, you mentioned having a 10 lb range for yourself now that you're in maintenance -- that's fantastic. I would be completely happy with that too except that I go to meetings and to avoid paying I have to stay within 2 lbs of my goal weight. As a result I'm trying to lose 5 extra pounds so I have some more room to play with -- closer to what you have.

Official WW Goal: 155
Maximum Weight Without Penalty: 157
Current: 155
Aiming for: 150

Anyway, this week is going well. Let's hope I can stay on track!

Maintenance is Hard

I need to get this out because I've had two horrible weeks and they're entirely my own fault. Tonight I was already over my flex by a gazillion, and then I ate candy, Cheerios, oatmeal cookies, gingersnaps and a chocolate mint WW bar.

I don't know why it's so hard. I think it's that feeling that from now on things should be easy and I shouldn't have to make so many sacrifices. But no, life is going to be a series of sacrifices and indulgences... and probably the former will continue to outnumber the latter. (Unless, of course, I lose my sweet tooth, which, let's face it, is never, ever going to happen.) :(

So I am writing here as some form of accountability. I will probably gain 3 lbs this week, but next week, and the week after, and the week after that, I am going to be on track again. I am going to figure out how to make this lifetime thing work.

I know I've been gone for a long time, but I would love some help.

Comfortable

I've been posting a lot of quick updates lately, but I feel like I should post something more thoughtful too.

I've been in my healthy range for a few months now, and it's almost gotten to the point where everyone I know has seen the 'new me'. When I do see people for the first time since losing the weight, it's always an awkward thrill -- I am embarrassed yet happy and proud. Each compliment spurs me on and gives me more reason to continue the journey. Now I'm starting to wonder -- what happens when the compliments don't come anymore?

I'm worried that at some point I'm going to get complacent. No one cheers you on when you're maintaining, because I think most people think that the hardest part is losing the weight. For me, I am confident that I am going to continue to struggle for months, years, probably forever. I have it in me to chow down on a big bag of Goodies or Allsorts at any time. I will always have to keep that urge in check.

But the compliments and other NSVs (fitting into the next size down, enjoying J's hands fitting around me more comfortably, etc.) are going to disappear soon, and I'm going to have to find something else to keep me motivated. Perhaps just enjoying this size and not being able to imagine being that big again will be enough. But if anyone else at or near goal has any other inspirational words, I'd love to hear them!

On a side note, my uncle's wife said she didn't recognize me at first when she saw me last weekend! Now there's a good NSV :)

P.S. To Maria

Please please please give me access to your new protected blog -- I miss reading you! If you need to email me, I'm at gmail.com and my username is "meredi".

(Am avoiding spelling it out to avoid spammers!)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Bad Meredi, bad bad Meredi... absent from blogging again, even after a promised a weigh-in update last week!

I'll make it up to you, girls. Results of two weigh-ins -- two phenomenal weigh-ins -- PLUS photos!

Last Week: Down 3 lbs

This Week: Down 2.6 lbs

Current weight: 158.2

Lbs to goal: 3.2!

Last week J and I went to the Innovators' Ball at the Ontario Science Centre, and I bought a special dress for the occasion. A pic:

(click to enlarge)

If you're really interested, you can see all my photos :)

Crazy Week!

Oh my lovely ladies, I haven't forgotten about you! I had a pleasant but busy weekend. Now I'm back at work and I'm spending waaay longer on one of my projects than I should, sigh (am the last one here at the office, boo).

Now I have to go home and do more report writing for a group I'm volunteering for... so I don't have time to write an actually interesting post. Just wanted to let you know that I am ON TRACK for this week -- I even have 14.5 flex left so far! Life is good. Not as much exercise as I'd like (no time for it tonight) but at least my eating is under control for the first time in a long time!

I will post again soon, at the latest on Wednesday to update you on my weigh-in. Hope everyone's week is going well!

Good Day (So Far)

Hi ladies! Here I am dutifully updating for you. Actually, I'm at the office killing time until J and I go for sushi up the street (Hungarian was moved to next week).

The big question, of course, is whether to go to the gym after sushi or not. I'm leaning towards not, because I did bike to work today and therefore have already earned 3 APs... but I haven't done any strength training in a while either. Ugh. We'll see, I guess. I'm just so tiiiiired. I went to work out after my meeting last night and could only stay on the elliptical for thirty minutes. I think I've only done that twice since starting my whole work-out regimen... it was bad.

Food-wise, I've been good good good today. The fact that I've been in client meetings all day long has had a part in this, but I'm to credit too. Go me for resisting those Reisin and Werther's in the boardroom, for eating peaches and 2-point granola bars for snacks, and for suggesting a healthy sushi dinner!

So, basically, two days down, five to go. Tomorrow is going to be a bit of a challenge as it's J's bday and we're going out with his friends to an Italian restaurant. I'm going to try and order a soup and a salad if possible... or a pasta with tomato sauce and veggies. Hopefully I'll be able to save up enough points throughout the day that I won't have to dig into my flex points, and I also won't look like that girl, the one who only eats rabbit food.

Hope everyone had a good day!

Going to Lose This Week

Okay, the nonsense is stopping. I gained 1.8 lbs this week and I know exactly why. It involved my company's annual party and a trip to Montreal where we biked in a tour of the island sponsored by "Lait". That meant free dairy products -- specifically copious quantities of chocolate milk and cheese.

My goal is to post in my blog every day this week to keep myself accountable. I am going to eat fruit instead of sweets, and am going to attend that second meeting Saturday morning to reinvigorate myself for the weekend ahead. I think after my meeting I'm going to go to a spinning class in the same neighbourhood.

The only thing I'm worried about is tomorrow's weekly 'cheap eats' night with my friends (where we pick a different restaurant to try each week). This week it's the only Hungarian restaurant left in the Annex, Country Style. I've eaten there before, but not since starting WW. I have no idea if a Hungarian restaurant will have anything suitable for me to eat or not. I think I'm going to have to save up all day tomorrow!

Here's a pic of me from our company party:

(click to enlarge)

My hair is getting so long that I have it perpetually tied back these days. Is it bad that I'm hoping to lose a pound or two when I cut it off?

Okay, I'll see you all tomorrow :)

The Fight Continues

Yummy Foods - 10

Meredith - 0

First, thanks to everyone for the kind words about my grandma... and a special thanks to Angie for continuing to check in on me. You're such a sweetheart!

I have fallen out of the blogging world, and it saddens me, because you gals felt like true friends, and now that I've been out of the sphere for a while I feel like an outsider again. I just don't know if I have it in me to write on a regular basis again, and I don't know why.

I have been totally rocking the exercise thing lately -- both cardio AND weights, for the first time ever! On the other hand, things have not been going particularly well on the food front. My pattern continues... really great from Wednesday to Friday, eat all my flex points on one day on the weekend, continue acting as if I haven't eaten all my flex points Monday and Tuesday.

Tonight, for instance, I started the evening with 2 points left. Then I ate a huge PC naan and a serving of Better Butter Chicken. Then I had 10 spice cookies. Then my girlfriends came over for girls' night and I had: two cookies, two slices of chocolate cake, half a cider (alcoholic), and a chocolate mint martini. Oh dear. I cannot fathom how much sugar that is.

I think I need to mix up my foods a bit... I'm getting tired of the same things for lunch and for snacks every day. If anyone has suggestions for healthy and filling 4-5 point lunches that I can prepare at the office, I would LOVE to hear them.

Right now I either do Lunch A:

• Gardennay soup (1 c.)
• 3 Ryvita crackers
• 1/4 c. homemade hummus (Maria's recipe! it's awesome!)
• A pile of cucumbers, carrots, celery and a tomato

Or lunch B:

• Half a whole wheat pita
• 10 sliced olives
• Three slices of ham
• Tomato slices, cucumber slices
• A pile of cucumbers, carrots, celery and the rest of the tomato
• Fat-free Italian dressing to dip the veggies into

It's filling but getting boring! My other staple is salad with tuna or salad with egg and sunflower seeds -- where salad is spinach, cucumber and tomato.

Anyway, to help me get over the weekend hump I think that I'm going to start going to a meeting both on Wednesday night (Yonge & Bloor) and Saturday morning (The Big Carrot). I'm hoping that a second meeting Saturday will reinvigorate me and prevent me from bingeing from the weekend onward.

A few people have been talking about being that whining skinny girl lately, and I'm worried about being that whiny bingeing girl, sigh. I know what I need to do but just can't seem to make it happen. I just want to be as honest as possible again, and that starts with telling all of you about my awful, embarrassing night.

I haven't been reading many blogs lately at all, but do know that I'm wishing all of you the very best. I will try to drop into everyone's blogs again very soon.

Hugs,
Meredi

I Still Exist

In the past two days, food items I have eaten include:

• Two icing-covered sugar cookies from my favourite bakery back home
• An Aero bar
• About 8 Laura Secord suckers
• A Bounty bar
• An entire bag of licorice all-sorts
• A huge Le Gourmand oatmeal and raisin cookie (like, 4 times the size of a regular cookie)

I feel disgusting. And I was having such a good week. Yesterday's binge I can't really explain... and today I found out my grandma died. I was doing okay, but then I finally managed to reach my mom (who is vacationing in Europe) -- and when I heard her cry, that's when I lost it. The Le Gourmand cookie, Bounty bar and all-sorts followed close behind.

I thought I was going to have super loss this week... and now I'm expecting another two pound gain. Excuse the language, but FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Why is this all so hard all of a sudden, when I was sailing through at the beginning?

Still Struggling

Thanks for the supportive notes, ladies. I know everything that everyone said is absolutely true, but it's so hard to get in the right mental place sometimes. I wish I could do it by sheer force of mental will, but ah, it's not that easy.

Anyway, I am still hoping to get through this week with a loss. I have 15 points left for the weekend, which is going to be difficult -- we're going out for dinner with J's parents tomorrow, PLUS we have a birthday party to go to after that. Arg. I really should have been wiser last night and tonight, but I'm trying to be positive and look forward. I will get a good sleep tonight, work out to Billy Blanks tomorrow morning (just got the DVD from the library!) and go from there.

Do you ever look at a part of your body and suddenly think "oh my god I'm overweight again"? I had one of those moments the other night, where I looked down at my thigh and it looked just as huge as when I was 200 lbs. That is a scary feeling, let me tell you. :/ Thankfully, later in the week I looked at my calves in a window while I was walking down the street, and was shocked to see what a lovely, normal size they were.

Anyway, I know I'm not going to reach my target of 177 by next Wednesday, which means I won't get my treat from J. I suggested extending the deadline by a week but he didn't seem too keen on that... I think he's secretly relieved that he doesn't have to buy me anything after all. :/

I have come to the conclusion that I eat when I am a) stressed and b) (new revelation) TIRED. Does anyone else notice this?

Lastly, did anyone else catch Fast Food: Ads vs. Reality linked from Hungry Girl this week? I've never been a big fast food fan anyway, but this is enough to turn anyone off completely! The first two are particularly nasty :)

Have a good weekend, all. I am going to try very, very hard to get through this week without a gain.

:(

Feeling out of control.

I have eaten everything in sight today... including a whole bag of grapes, two Werther's caramels, and five (FIVE!) caramel rice cakes. :(

The worst part is that I want more. I want a Starbucks Chocolate Oat bar, or a big (BIIIIG) chewy Le Gourmand cookie. I'm tired of denying myself!

I feel like I could fall off the wagon and gain it all back so quickly. That thought is petrifying. I do NOT want to be that girl again... but the thing is, I feel like I still am that girl on the inside. I still want the rotis, the bakery treats, the dim sum! It feels like my brain is still the same, and the only thing that has changed is my outward appearance.

What do I need to do to get these thoughts out of my head? Will I never be at peace in this new healthy lifestyle? Will I always wish my carrots were cookies?

And will I ever stop feeling resentful towards the people in my life who can eat more than me and not gain? Like my colleague with the huge bowl of yogourt, berries, and granola, or J with his real nachos and salsa, or creamy carbonara pasta?

I cannot relapse this week. I just broke the 150s, for crying out loud! (I am officially 159.8 lbs.) I am only 9.8 lbs away from my goal. I have to do this. But right now I feel like I can't. :(

Girl on a Mission

I am going to lose this week. Actually, not just lose, LOSE!

I have been totally OP so far this week... no flex points used (well, only 0.5), no candy (well, only 3 M&Ms), lots of water, lots of healthy food.

I hope I can keep this motivation up all the way down to 150. I am only 10.2 lbs from goal. If I get down to 157 by May 2nd, that means only 7 lbs left! Eeee! So close, so close.

Isn't it strange how some weeks I feel out of control, and other weeks I have all the restraint in the world?

The weeks where I feel out of control are weeks where I succumb to emotional eating. I am considering looking into some kind of professional that can help me with this particular problem. Has anyone ever done this? I really feel like WW is letting me down in this regard. The ten tools for healthy living are fine, sure, but this is a deeper-rooted issue and I need some help to work through it. I bought a workbook to go through on my own, but I still feel like I need a real human to guide me.

Ooh, on a completely unrelated note, the biking is absolutely amazing so far! I feel so comfortable on my bike now, compared to when I started last spring. Downtown Toronto, bring it oooon! I can handle you and your crazy cab drivers, streetcar tracks, and jaywalking pedestrians! (For anyone living in Toronto who wants to start biking but is scared, I highly recommend the CanBike course put on by the city -- it made me feel so much more confident.)

Tomorrow J and I are going to a birthday party on the island, so we're quite excited about that. We're going to take our bikes so that when the festivities are over we can go for a ride. Biking on the island is so relaxing and fun -- I can't wait! :)

No Life :(

Sigh, the insanity continues... I'm about to have a quick bite to eat and then hunker down on work for the rest of the night.

I am absolutely exhausted. I just want one night to myself, sitting in front of my computer, maybe watching an episode of The Apprentice UK that I've downloaded, catching up on how all you lovely ladies are doing, replying to emails, etc.

:( Maybe this weekend I'll finally have some time to myself.

Anyway, I lost 1.2 lbs at weigh-in yesterday (I changed my weigh-in day to Wednesday from Tuesday -- I like the leader better). That puts me at 160.2... meaning that if I lose just 0.3 lbs next week I'll FINALLY be in the 150s!

I started biking to work today (about 25 minutes each way across downtown TO), which is good because I haven't had time to go to the gym at all this week. :( This is NOT going to be a good week if I don't get some more exercise in. Other than the exercise thing though, I'm feeling motivated and I'm on track so far for this week.

Okay, let my crazy night begin. Hope everyone's okay, and I'm so so so sorry for not being able to comment like I normally do! :/

First Non-Binge Day Before a Weigh-In

Sorry ladies, I haven't been around much at ALL... I'm working tons of overtime at work, and didn't even get a chance to catch up on blogs over the weekend because I went home to my parents' for my brother's birthday.

I am badly in need of a break!

I did some emotional eating today at work... I popped four or five Reisin candies over the course of the day. Ugh. I didn't have any fruit or veggies left at work because I haven't been grocery shopping since last weekend! Arg!

Anyway, as much as that was a failure, I am writing to share that for the first week in many weeks I didn't go crazy on the candy tonight, the night before my weigh-in. Instead I made a mini pita pizza (small ww pita, tomato sauce, low fat mozzerella, pineapple, leftover Easter ham!), had a small piece of almond kringle from my bro's bday, and had a handful of grapes. Yay! I thought about having chocolate, but somehow convinced myself that the enjoyment would be fleeting.

I have no idea whether or not to expect a loss tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I went over points yesterday at the birthday party... but I don't think I went as much over as I have lately, and I did get three solid nights of exercise in last week, so I am hopeful.

Does anyone else feel hugely relieved when weigh-in day rolls around and they get to start a fresh week? AHHHHH.

I'm Back

Hi everyone!

I'm sorry I was gone for so long... it was pretty much two full weeks. All I can say is, I can't believe how much work moving is, especially when there are two people involved! We still have a few things to unpack, but I'm pleased to say that the place is quite liveable now. I think house stuff will be relegated to weekends from now on, so that leaves weeknights to have some much-needed downtime and much-needed WW blog reading. I can't wait to catch up with everyone!

WW-wise, ugh. I have had a couple of really rough weeks for eating. I just kept stuffing chocolate and candy into my mouth the week of the move... pretty much non-stop. I was stressed and couldn't seem to come up with any other coping mechanism. :( This week I did a bit better, but I ate a lot of dried melon, which I found out partway through the week was waaaay more points than I thought (I thought it was that sweet naturally; duh!). Even after I found out though, I didn't stop! Aaagh! This morning I threw the rest of the melon in the green bin. It tastes divine, but I clearly cannot control myself around it.

I also seem to have these weeks where I have great control for the first 5-ish days, then start losing it near the end, and end up having a full-on binge the night before my weigh-in. I just don't understand what my brain is thinking. Last night it wasn't as bad as it could have been, but still, it is NOT GOOD.

I wish WW provided more support for all of these emotional issues. Yes, I know that when I follow the plan I lose weight, and it was really easy before when I was overweight and hence really motivated to lose. But now I'm in my healthy weight range, only 10 pounds from goal, and the motivation is gone. I'm 90% happy with my new body! With the motivation gone, all of my old behaviours are starting to take root. I don't know what to do.

Actually, my plan for this week is to exercise like crazy. Before tonight I hadn't been to the gym in two weeks, which meant that I wasn't earning any APs, and in turn meant that I couldn't afford to splurge as much. So, this week, I want to go to the gym as many times as my body and schedule will allow.

I am determined to lose at least a pound this week! J and I made a deal that he would surprise me with something if I reached 157 by May 1st. Given that I went up 0.2 lbs at weigh-in today (to 161.4) I really need some big losses in the coming three weeks! :)

Gone for a While

Hey gals -- thanks for all the comments on the last few entries, particularly the one about WW affecting one's partner. We talked about it some more and I think things are better now. For one thing, I discovered his food scale only has three levels: "bad", "edible", and "good". Apparently, in Chinese, there is no word for "great" or "amazing" (at least with respect to food). So all this time I thought he wasn't really enjoying my food because he only called it "good".

It is hard to understand how unimportant food is to him. My whole day revolves around it, whereas he uses it only for sustenance. I wish I could learn a lesson or two from him, sigh.

Anyway, tomorrow starts the big move -- he's moving his stuff that day, and the following day my parents are coming down to do my stuff. By this time Wednesday night, we should be all moved into our new apartment. It's a bit surreal.

I'm going to be super-busy for the next few days, plus I don't know what my Internet access is going to be like... so I will say 'goodbye and good luck' for now. Hope everyone has a great week, and I'll see you soon hopefully!

By Conservative Estimates...

...I went 6 over my flex last night.

I also ate until I felt uncomfortable, which I haven't done since long before WW.

Obviously something in the plan failed... right around the point of substituting baked brie and phyllo for toasted pita and mango salsa. I did it because I didn't want to disappoint him. I did it even though I knew in my heart I didn't want it. But sometimes we make sacrifices, right?

I really, really wanted dessert so I ate it even though I was already full. He doesn't like dessert that much, particularly chocolate cake, so he didn't share, and that let me with a whole cake to devour all by myself, even though half or even a quarter would have been sufficient. I don't know why I didn't stop. I just convinced myself that last night was my "night off" and if I didn't eat it then, I wouldn't get to eat it at all.

So, I feel pretty disgusting right now. I also promised him yesterday that we'd go out for brunch today, so I'm stuck going to a greasy spoon and trying to find something that doesn't make me feel disgusting, rather than sitting home and eating an apple and a cup of corn bran, like I'd like to be doing.

I worked so hard all week... I was SO on track, on track like I haven't been since the very beginning of this whole process. And I feel like I threw it away and am going to gain this week despite all my hard work.

:(~

When WW Affects Your Partner

The other night J and I stayed up late to have a talk about WW and how it has affected our lives. It's easy to focus only on my own struggles with the program, but the truth is that it affects him too, and definitely not in a trivial way. Our patterns have been disrupted significantly -- we used to eat out 5, 6, 7 times a week, easy. Now we tend to eat in more often, and when we do go out, I often try to avoid particular cuisines that I know aren't points-friendly. When I cook, I try to make something low-fat and relatively low in points... and so far we've only found maybe two or three meals that he genuinely enjoys that are good for me too.

I also didn't realize how much my behaviour at restaurants affected him. I thought that since he could order whatever he wanted that it didn't matter, but he hates seeing me order things that I wouldn't normally order, just to stay within my points. He hates not being able to share appetizers, and to see me consult my points booklet multiple times while examining a menu.

It's a hard problem. I have to look out for myself, or else I'm going to balloon up to where I was before (and neither of us wants that). But his feelings are completely justified too. I wish my journey didn't affect his life to the extent that it does. He didn't ask for this!

We're still working out solutions to these various issues. I'm hoping that when we move in together we'll spend more time cooking and will be able to find more recipes that appease both of us. I'm going to try having him go through my cookbooks and pick things that appeal to him, so he's not forced to eat things that are both uber-healthy AND suit my tastes more than his.

He also wished that sometimes we could go out and have things "normal" again, without me dwelling on points and rules and ordering things that are okay, but not really satisfying to me.

I was hesistant at first, and I'm not really sure how it's going to work out, but we're going to at least try it tonight. I have 10 points left for dinner, plus 24.5 flex left, so we're going out to a restaurant in the Beach and I'm going to try not to think about the program (well, too much anyway). It will be a nice little vacation for both of us, and I'm pretty sure I can afford it points-wise. The question is whether I can actually stop thinking about the program, or if I'll simply be internalizing my counting. But I think it's worth trying and discussing after, because honestly I'm not quite sure what he needs in this regard.

If things feel better tonight, I proposed that we schedule a date night each week from now on. I'll save up my flex and we'll go out and have a 'normal' night out. If it works, it will be a nice little weekly tradition, and give us some real quality time beyond just seeing each other around the house. (I know that date nights will become much more important when we move in together, so this is sort of killing two birds with one stone.)

I'll let you know how things go. In the meantime, I'd really love to hear if you have any stories about how WW has affected your partner, or about any compromises you've made to make things easier for him or her. :/

Rockin' Tae Box

I am so... lethargic...

I had a really hard tae box class last night and ahh, it has taken its toll on me. Numerous parts of my body are hurting, and I generally feel worn out and in need of a nap.

The good news, though, is that the last time I tried the class (back in the fall, right after joining WW), I was barely standing at the end, and I didn't have the energy to complete half the moves. This time I was keeping up with the regulars! I definitely have room for improvement, but I worked my little tushie off, putting as much strength as I could into the punches and kicks when most of the rest of the class was just going through the motions. For that I am proud!

Poor Baggy Clothes

I was just reading about Jen's amazing NSV (yay Jen!) and was thinking about some of the hardest parts of this whole WW process.

For me, one of the saddest things (and I mean this on a very non-emotional, superficial level) has been losing so many great clothes. I'm certainly not the most stylish dresser, but man, I had some pretty hot shirts and skirts for a size 16-er. I gave them all away to the Diabetes Association a few weeks back, and it was a truly sad moment.

Isn't it strange how you can get so attached to fabric? But it's obviously more than just that -- it's really an identity, and an associated confidence level. Those clothes that hugged my curves in the right places made me feel good about myself (as good as I could feel about myself at that size, of course).

The only thing that makes the purging of the closet easier is thinking about all of the cute new size M outfits I'll get to buy over the next several months. :) That, and the hope that my mom can find a way to salvage my absolute favourite skirt! Some things a girl just can't give up... not without a fight!

Stressed... but not eating.

I just got a phone message from one of my clients that expressed concern about a sample document I sent over earlier today. I feel so lost and confused... I really hope I haven't been doing the wrong thing for her and that I haven't wasted a ton of time on something that's not valuable.

No food though... I am going to the gym instead. I really don't feel like hopping on the cross-trainer when it's this gorgeous out, but it's still a little too cold out to bike or run with my (as yet fairly uncontrolled) asthma.

I really wish that I hadn't listened to her phone message because now I'm going to be dwelling on it all weeken--------

Has anyone ever heard of the phrase "lick the toad"? It's the idea that you should do things that you're dreading as soon as possible to get them out of the way, rather than having them lurk in the back of your brain and torment you with worry. I JUST LICKED THE TOAD and called my client back so I wouldn't have to worry about this all weekend. So glad I did. All is well! :) Off to work out now...

(I apologize if this post is completely unintelligible... hahaha...)

Totally, 100% On Track

I should also mention that I am on a roll this week. I haven't had candy for two days, and I haven't dipped into my flex at all yet. (Both of these facts would seem really quite incredible if you looked at my journals for the last month or two.) ;)

Tonight I had the custard tart that my coworkers picked up at Future's Bakery yesterday. It was a carefully planned decision, which I'm really proud of. I earned 7 APs in my workout this evening, so I figured tonight was the best night to splurge a little. I used only 4 of the 7 APs, whereas normally I would aim to use only 4, and then cave and end up using all 7.

Tomorrow J and I and a couple of our friends are attending the 2007 Hart House Lecture at the University of Toronto. We attended last year's and it was fascinating, and this year's topic ("technological societies and citizenship") sounds equally intriguing. We're meeting up for vietnamese right after work, so I'll have no choice but to stay away from the Werther's and Riesins at work tomorrow if I don't want to have to dip into my flex!

Have a great Thursday, everyone! Night night!

eTools

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I'm now on eTools. Mandy asked me how I like it, so I thought I'd write a little post about it.

To my knowledge, eTools is exactly the same as WW Online, except it's for meeting-goers. I have access to the following tools:

• Points Tracker
• "Find and Explore" (dumb name)
• Weight Tracker
• Recipe Builder
• Meal Ideas
• Favourites
• Message Boards

Does that sound like everything you WW Online gals have?

I'm really enjoying it so far. I've found out that I've been being too hard on myself for some points values -- I had taken portion amounts from the points book and extrapolated slightly incorrectly. For instance, a cup of strawberries is 0 points! Ahh!

I'm also really looking forward to trying out the recipe builder and recipe finder tools. It will be really great to be able to look up a recipe idea before I leave work, and go straight to the grocery store after work to pick up everything I need. Right now, I always forget to choose a recipe out of one of my books before I go to work, arg.

The only thing that's driving me nuts is that I sometimes seem to have trouble connecting to weightwatchers.ca, particularly when I'm trying to save my Points Tracker information. This means I've had to re-enter things repeatedly, which is a huge drag. It seems to be slightly more reliable from work, where I'm on Windows/Firefox/Sympatico, than when I'm here at home on Mac/Firefox/Other ISP, but I could be imagining it. Does anyone else have trouble with this?

There are definitely some usability issues in the Points Tracker that are going to take some getting used to, but for the most part it's okay. I doubt I can convince WW to hire me to improve them any time soon. ;) I do wonder, though, if they'd consider creating a white-label version of the tracker that I can use at work without screaming to my coworkers that I'm on the WW site. If not, perhaps I can wrangle GreaseMonkey into doing it for me.

Anyway, they don't advertise it, but for anyone who's going to meetings right now -- your first two weeks on eTools are FREE, and you can cancel any time before the two weeks are up if you like.

:(

First, a clarification -- I did not have all of those items from the last entry in my pantry all at once, ha! That was simply a list of trigger foods that I've learned totally screw me over in the eating/craving department.

Now, the results of this week's weigh-in. Drum roll please.... <brddrdr drdrdrd drddrddddrrr>... up 2.6 lbs.

You read it right. TWO POINT SIX POUNDS!

I completely deserve it. I was OP all week, but I didn't exercise as much as normal, and I completely lost control Monday night. I am extremely angry with myself, but I am moving on.

Plan for this week:

• Keep track of everything I eat, as I eat it, on my brand spankin' new eTools account! (Yaaaaaaaay!)
• Drink more water. (I left my water bottle at J's mid-week last week and hence have been skimping a bit.)
• Work out Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. (I even cancelled plans for tomorrow night so I can work out, it's that important to me this week.)
• Load up on strawberries, kiwis, apples and bananas instead of candy. NO candy will be eaten at work. Only two low-point chocolate items will be eaten throughout the week.
• At some point where the points make sense, squeeze in the custard tart and chocolate cookie coworkers gave to me at work today (and which I impressively brought home for later enjoyment rather than gorging on at the time).
• Eat only carrots as a stress-relief food at work.
• Eat only ONE portion of Crispy Minis or PC Rice Chips per day, maximum.

Okay. I can do this. One week at a time.

(The good news is that it's 10pm and I still have 3.5 points left for the day! I have no idea how this happened and how I am not starving right now, but I'm not and I'm going to ride this out!)

P.S. I thought I should mention that I try to reply to people's comments whenever time allows and there's something to say... so everyone who replied to my last post, there's a message in there for you. There's no pressure to reply again; I just didn't want you to miss it!

And overall, a huge thank you to you ladies your amazing support, as always. I can't help but be gobsmacked every time I write something and the comments start flowing in. I can't tell you how much it means to me!

Candy --> Garbage

Okay, I admit it, when I said I was throwing all the corn syrup candy in the garbage in an older post, I didn't actually do it. I thought I had enough willpower to resist it.

This evening proved I did not. And now every single piece of candy is in the garbage, except my 1 and 2 pt chocolate.

I can't even guess how far I went over my flex tonight. Sigh. I don't know what's wrong with me :(

Anyway, I am vowing never to buy the following trigger foods again:

• Gummy bears (or anything else gummy)
• Jelly beans
• Ju-jubes
• Licorice
• Good & Plenty
• Goodies
• Any bite-size chocolates -- like rosebuds or kisses
• Kraft Caramels
• Chewy Werthers (always in the candy bowl at work, boo)
• Reisin (caramel covered in chocolate -- also always in the candy bowl at work)
• Bugles (I've been good and haven't bought these since starting WW -- I know the result would be disaster if I did)
• Arrowroot cookies (I start with dipping two in my tea and then next thing I know I've eaten 20 of them)
• Real nacho chips (hard to do because J loves them but I'll ask him to keep them out of sight in the new house)
• Hrmm.. I know there are others. I will add to this list as I think of them.

I want to have a week with no CRAP. I also want to have a week where I don't use all my flex! The thing is, when I started the program, I went off sweets cold turkey, and I remember commenting to J that I didn't even miss them. I think indulging in cravings begets more cravings. So I'm going to stay strong for a week, and that will make the next week easier, and the week after that easier.

I faxed my information in to get an online account yesterday, so I'm hoping the code will come soon. (I need a special code so they know I already pay for weekly meetings -- it's cheaper that way.) I really need to mix it up, and I'm hoping keeping track online will be a strong motivator. I'm getting sick of journalling in my little booklets each week, ugh.

By the way, yes Lindsay, when I said my ring was size 3.5, that's my pinky :) For those who aren't familiar, all Canadian engineering graduates receive an iron ring, to symbolize their ethical obligations as a practising engineer. Mine started out at size 5 or 5.5 and I'm down to 3.5 or 4... so I'm quite pleased about that! It's nice to be able to wear it again too, because I've had 3 or 4 months of not wearing it for fear of losing it!

All Is Well

Hi all! I'm back, if only momentarily. I have yet another crazy week coming up -- things to do after work on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and packing / other moving preparations whenever I can spare the time.

I did manage to catch up on everyone's blogs yesterday/this morning though, and it looks like everyone's doing well! We all struggle of course, but it looks like everyone who had rough days managed to get through them, and I'm glad for that.

I've had a few little struggles this week, but for the most part I'm on track. I hogged out on candy again last night... candy is definitely my downfall. I'm not sure what I can do about it, other than try not to keep it in the house from now on, and make sure I have other healthy munchies around, like grapes. No one else ever seems to talk about a weakness for candy -- does anyone else have this problem? Chocolate isn't such a big thing for me, but chewy candies I can munch on like they're a meal. It's really quite terrible.

Anyway, I wrote down the candy against my flex so I'm moving on. Tonight J and I are going to our final evening at the theatre (we're seeing Lucy at CanStage), and before that we've made a reservation at Le Papillon (click for their menu), a French restaurant down at Front and Church. I've always been curious about it, so it will be nice to finally try it. I did Turbo Jam this morning so I'm heading into the evening with 15.5 points and 18 flex left -- hopefully that will be enough for dinner, plus St. Patty's drinks after the play!

Finally, we went to a going away party for one of my friends last weekend (the one where I wore the pink dress), and she sent us some of the photos. Here's one I like of J and I:

It's too bad the flash caught me right at my bustline, but whatever! :) Gotta run and get ready for tonight now... I'm wearing the LBD again!

Oh, and in my next installment I will be sure to let everyone know how the "mom-ent" went last week.

Busy Busy Busy

Sorry for the meltdown yesterday. :( Lost control for a few minutes, sigh.

It's late and I need to get to bed, but I wanted to let you in on a few things:

• I got a new iron ring yesterday! I think I went from a size 5.5 to a size 3.5. I think. Anyway, it's much teensier.
• I managed to lose 1 lb this week, despite the odds. Yet another week where I don't deserve to lose but I do anyway. I am one lucky gal.
• Losing that 1 lb put me at forty pounds total! Excitement! Only 10 lbs to go!

I am so so so so busy this week. Tonight was weigh-in and girls' night (I only went four into my flex -- a few crispy minis and an almost see-through piece of cake). Tomorrow a friend is coming to pick up my old bike and J and I are then going over to the house to measure. On Thursday we're going to the engineering musical at U of T. Et cetera!

All this is to say that I probably won't have a ton of time to read or comment on blogs this week, ladies, but I'm cheering you all on all the same! Can't wait to have some time to read about how you're all doing.

Damnit Damnit Damnit

Did it again. Candy while watching Veronica Mars. I don't know why I can't just go a week without using up all of my flex (or going slightly over). Why can't I be good again, like I was before Christmas? All I need to do is power through -- go two more months like a perfect little WWer, lose 12 more pounds, and then voila, I'm at goal and I'll be on maintenance, with a little more flexibility. There is always more candy, more chocolate, more cake. I am splurging on things that aren't even that special. I don't know what I'm doing... and right after I made such a big deal about my big 'commitment' to WW. Yeah right.

Tomorrow is WI. When I weighed in at the gym on Friday I was at 163 (was at 161.8 last week). Since I didn't eat particularly well this weekend (in addition to this little candy issue tonight, there was an incident at Prague Deli where the waiter brought my mom french toast by accident) I think all I deserve to expect is a gain. And then, right after weigh-in, I get to go to a girls' night where one of my friends is bringing a chocolate birthday cake. Fan-flipping-tastic. All I can do is refuse it outright. I am not digging into flex until Saturday.

My Commitment

Last night in my fancy pink dress I came upstairs, went into my closet and retrieved four hulking black garbage bags. I labelled them each with a "D" and lugged them downstairs to my apartment building's lobby, where a Diabetes Association volunteer will pick them up sometime today (if one hasn't already).

That's right, my friends, last night I got rid of all the "fat clothes". Almost nothing from my old days of size 16 / XL remains, except for some things I'm giving to my mom, some things I'm going to try to get altered (e.g. my favourite dress from nude and my favourite Reitmans skirt), and some others that I might try to sell (anyone want a beautiful size 16 black dress from Laura, worn once for our anniversary, right before I went on WW?).

There is no going back. No going back. I know I might slip up here and there, but this is forever. My old leader used to talk about 30,000 meals between now and death... (I think it's probably closer to 60,000 for us young'uns) and how she was going to make them as diverse and interesting and fulfilling as possible. She was right. This is for life, and I'm ready for it.

That said, I am also petrified of how I am going to get through this weekend (with my mom visiting) with only 10 flex left. I reallllly could have planned a bit better... and not gone for Afghani seconds last night. :/

Lychee Recap

Paige just asked me how to eat a lychee so rather than hiding it in the comments somewhere I'll bring it up front:

1. Stick your fingernail in the hard pink shell until you reach the white flesh.
2. Peel back the shell around the entire white fruit (it will be very juicy)
3. Pop it in your mouth and eat the flesh
4. Spit out the smooth brown seed :)

The seeds are actually pretty cool -- depending on the lychee their size will differ. The good lychees obviously have more flesh and less seed!

The mistake that's easy to make is in step two -- if you don't dig deep enough you may still be left with a hard skin over the flesh of the lychee. Be sure you get down to the juicy layer!

I only know all this stuff because I went to U of T engineering (where all my close friends were Chinese -- all my pics are of two, three, five, ten Chinese people and me in the middle!), and because my boyfriend is also Chinese. :)

By the way, if you have access to a Chinatown I highly recommend looking for lychees there as they'll be muuuuch cheaper than your average grocery store!

Hope everyone likes their lychees! :)

Hahahaha... funniest health product ever!

Today's Toronto Star Vice Squad article is: Krispy Kreme Whole Wheat Doughnuts.

Hahaha... I am laughing about all the people stuffing whole wheat doughnuts in their mouths, thinking they're now choosing a 'healthier' option.

Companies are REALLY jumping on this whole wheat bandwagon, eh? In a way it's really great, because it gives me more healthy choices at the grocery store, but on the other hand it's getting a bit ridiculous! It's also crazy how many products are 'wheat' but have one measly gram of fibre. 'Wheat" != "Whole Wheat".

On a related note, my favourite breakfast cereals are Corn Bran and Oat Bran made by Quaker. The other day J told me he thought they were "cereal alloys" -- corn mixed with bran, oat mixed with bran. Ha, I tried not to laugh and failed. Truth is that any grain has a bran -- wheat is the most common "bran", but corn and oat have bran too! Bran is simply "the edible broken seed coats of cereal grain separated from the flour or meal by sifting or bolting".

My latest product discovery is Barbara's Bakery's Cinnamon Puffins cereal. It's basically the same as Quaker Corn Bran... but with cinnamon! Mmm! It's delicious with strawberries (though my banana experiment yesterday didn't work out as well). They apparently also have honey rice and peanut butter flavours, which I will be trying soon. I found them at Noah's Natural Foods but I'm sure if you look around you can find them in a health food store near you!

Back on Track

So, miracle of miracles, I actually ended up being down 0.4 lbs when I weighed in on Tuesday. I was hoping to just stay the same but was really expecting a gain. I guess all the extra working out I did made a difference!

This week I am completely back on track... no more stuffing myself with food I don't need. Well, I did go a little nuts on the Easter candy tonight (6 pts) but I counted it against my flex so all is well.

I have an extra long weekend this weekend -- I took both Friday and Monday off. I have no idea what I'm going to do in the daytime tomorrow (just errands probably), but tomorrow night is a going away party for one of my girlfriends, who is moving to Ireland for a while for work. The party is going to be catered by the Afghan Women's Catering Group and will consist of:

• Salad
• Rice, naan
• Kachaloo (potatoes & chickpeas baked in tomato sauce with spices)
• Buryani (Eggplant baked with tomatoes, garlic, spices & topped with yogurt)
• Mantu (Meat and onion filled dumplings topped with yogurt & vegetable sauce)
• Baklava

Mmm, can't wait! I'm going to be watching what I eat, of course, but I'm planning on having a hard workout tomorrow morning, so that will help a bit. Above all, I refuse deny myself naan; it is one of my absolute favourite foods!

We're all supposed to dress up for the occasion so I will be wearing the valentine's dress. Thank goodness I will get to wear it at least one more time!

For the rest of the weekend, Saturday to Monday, my mom will be visiting. I think I've pretty much made up my mind to tell her about WW. Thanks to everyone for their comments on the topic; they've been really valuable in getting me to think about different aspects of the problem. I am still deeply ashamed to have been so weak as to require WW in the first place, but I was unfairly projecting my shame about my overeating (my problem) onto WW (my solution). The thing is, I am proud that I've done something about this. I could have continued to struggle alone, but WW has made the struggle easier. Why pick the difficult path in life when you don't have to?

It's also been inspiring and helpful to hear about so many of you gals who are so open about being on the program. In fact, I think Marie's appearance in Go surfing, get slimmer at The Star today might have been the straw that broke the camel's back. If Marie and Shrunk can appear in a national newspaper, and even Antonia Zerbisias can admit to being on WW, why can't I? Maybe I can even use the article to give my family members a better idea of what exactly I'm a part of.

I will hope that by telling my mom, and in turn my whole family, about WW, that someone else will be inspired to make a change in their life. Not everyone in my family is overweight, but a few are, and they worry me... particularly my dad. :(

Latest Low-Point Food Discovery

Did you know that lychees are 10 for a point?!

I discovered this a couple of weeks ago when I was at J's house and craving some sort of fruit or vegetable. Since he rarely has either, at least nothing fresh, I was delighted when he said his mom had given him some lychees. Then I looked up the points for said lychees in my book and was thrilled to discover I could eat 10 for a measly point!

The greatest thing about lychees is that they take a while to peel as well, so you can't pop 'em as quickly as grapes (though I love grapes too!). They also make a mean martini of course, but that's not quite so low in points. ;)

My other thing lately is berries... I'll often sit down and munch on a cup of blueberries or strawberries for, again, one small itty bitty point! How much better does it get? Mmmm. Also great for mixing in cereal or yogourt.

Mom-ent of Truth

My mom is coming down this weekend -- I'm taking Friday off and she'll stay until Sunday morning probably. It'll be fun... we only see each other a few times a year because they live two hours away and we don't own a car.

The last time mom came to visit was December 2nd. I was eight weeks into WW and had lost about 20 pounds. At that time I still wasn't that comfortable with the idea of being on WW, so J and I scoured the apartment before she came, making sure there was no sign of WW anywhere -- no recipe books, no ribbons, no log books, no points calculators.

This time, I'm just not sure what to do. I'm starting to think it wouldn't be the end of the world if mom knew, but I still do NOT want my extended family knowing that I'm on WW. I still feel like WW is something a 'normal' person wouldn't go on -- you have to be pretty overweight to do something official like join a for-fee program -- and therefore my aunts and cousins will look down on me and patronize me if they ever find out.

So, what's worse -- keeping this a secret from my family forever, or telling my mom and making her SWEAR never to tell a soul how I did it, even though it would be incredible difficult for her? Actually, to heck with incredibly difficult -- I know she simply couldn't do it. She would tell my aunt (whom she's pretty much best friends with), who would tell my grandmother, who would tell the whole family (not to be malicious, just because... well, I don't know). All I know is that I know about my other cousin's eating disorder, and if I was able to find out about that, there's no way my private information wouldn't end up common knowledge too. :(

Sigh, don't know what to do.

On a related note, the last time my mom saw me was Christmas-time, and I'm 10 lbs lighter now. I wish I was more than that... heck, I could almost be at goal by now... but still, I think the change will probably be noticeable. We'll see what she thinks!

I Will Survive

I'm sorry that not many of you have received comments from me this week. The reason is two-fold -- first, it's just been pretty busy week and I haven't been reading blogs as much as normal, and second, for some reason I can't see captchas in my browser anymore. That means that if anyone has security in their commenting section (the random letters that you have to repeat) then I haven't been able to comment, boo! It just happened a few days ago, out of the blue. Very weird. I'm going to try another browser and see if that solves the problem. (Has anyone else experienced this? I'm using Firefox 1.5 on Mac.)

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their encouraging notes about my setback, you have no idea what they mean to me! I feel like I'm kinda back on the wagon now. Friday I ate better at work... still ate too many chocolates, but I had a good workout and made up for them. Yesterday I totally rocked... until the party where I basically stopped counting and ate fondue to my heart's content. Sigh. But I also had a really good workout yesterday so I'm hoping that will compensate a little.

All in all, I've worked out for the past three days straight, so I'm happy about that. I was planning on doing more today but I seem to have done something to my knee, so I think I'm going to take it easy today and hope it gets better with some icing and rest.

We also now have a fridge and microwave at work, and plumbing is on its way, so things should get back to normal there soon. And I'm extremely motivated to start working off however many pounds I've managed to put on this week. I'll get through this! I just have to brace myself for the number on Tuesday...

Not Having a Good Week

Kinda lost control at work the past couple of days. We just moved into a brand new office and we don't have a kitchen (read: no fridge or microwave) yet so I've been getting takeout at lunchtime and haven't been eating my normal snacks. There also has been a ton of candy / chocolate around the office that I've been gorging on, sigh. I just can't seem to hold myself back.

I'm already, like, 19 into my flex for the week and it's only the second day... and I have to go to a friend's bday party this weekend where she's serving both cheese fondue AND chocolate fondue. Ugh... kill me now :(

I just finished my book on emotional eating but clearly it had no effect on me, because I've been really anxious at work and I know that's why I'm eating so much crap. I have two big deliverables due on Friday and there's no way I can get both of them done on time. Am off to go work on one now... wish me luck. :(

Weight-Loss Graph... kinda

I decided that it would be fun to graph my weight loss from October to now, so I Googled "graph weight loss", and managed to come up with SkinnyR. (My boyfriend is going to guffaw if/when he sees this because we're always making fun of retarded "Web 2.0" companies and the trend to simply add "R" to the end of your name... a la "Flickr".)

Anyway, it's cool that it's written in Ruby and that it's just two web geeks having fun, but I'm a little disappointed. What point is a graph if you can't actually see the graph from start to finish? It randomly decided to cut me off at 10 data points, when what I really want to see is a graph of trends over the five months I've been doing this.

Oh well, since it's a free service I guess I can't complain much, but perhaps I should offer to be their free-of-charge usability consultant. Guys, you need to somehow let people scroll backwards on the graph, or better yet, let people zoom out so they can see all their loss on a single pane.

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's my graph (with 10 of 18 data points!)

If anyone knows of a better online graphing tool (other than the WW site, because I'm not an online member), let me know!

A Realization

I am retroactively embarrassed. :(

You know, I always knew I was a bit overweight, but I had convinced myself that it wasn't that big a deal, that I carried it well. The only time I was uncomfortable with my body was when I started growing a bit of a double chin, or when my belly got just large enough to be a bit uncomfortable.

When I saw myself in photos and looked bad, I chalked it up to being 'unphotogenic'.

No, Meredith, you weren't unphotogenic. You were overweight. (I'm sorry, even if it's true, I just can't bring myself to use the word "fat" -- it's used so insultingly in everyday usage.)

It's so strange that it took losing nearly 40 pounds to realize this. Why didn't I realize it at the time? Was it because I'd grown up into the weight, and never really had a time in my youth/young-womanhood when I wasn't big? Was I just in denial?

And with all of this, as I said, comes embarrassment. What must other people have thought of me? The idea of men looking at me and feeling repulsed or turned off makes me feel disgusting. I find it incredible that any men in my life have ever found me attractive! All those times I developed crushes on passing acquaintances... I never really realized that I never had a chance to begin with.

It's just strange that I'm realizing all of this now. In a way I guess it's better that I was oblivious to it before... it certainly must have made things less painful at the time. :/

Edit: Wow, it's amazing how time heals wounds. I was curious about how I used to feel about my weight, so I dug into my old Livejournal archives (I had a blog there from 2002 to 2003, and used it to hold most of the private entries I didn't feel comfortable posting on my real blog), and I found a lot of references to "girls like me", which were really veiled phrases referring to my weight. I also found things like:

It's strange that I simply look for a new crush instead of a new boy to actually date. I'm so hopeless about ever finding a boy that's good for me. I need to lose some weight and actually feel attractive again -- perhaps that will change things. I'm looking forward to getting back on my regular exercise routine this summer and have the huge goal of losing 20 or so pounds and knocking the socks off the boys I know when I return in September. I know it's a huge goal but perhaps writing it down here will make me more serious about it.

I guess over the past 2.5 years of happiness with my boyfriend I forgot all of my sad thoughts about relationships. :/

Other Changes...

Did anyone feel like they started to pay more attention to their appearance after losing weight? I feel like I care more now -- I want to have extra-pretty, extra-feminine clothes, and I want to wear my contacts and makeup.

The clothes I can understand a bit, because clothing choice was extremely limited before I dropped below size 16 / XL. But the rest of it -- wanting to get contacts again, and wanting to wear eye makeup again all of a sudden? I don't really understand it. Did I feel like I wasn't worth it before, like no one would care about me wearing makeup anyway? Or do I now feel like I have a better chance at achieving a whole 'pretty package', when before there was no hope? Isn't there some saying about lipstick and pigs? Perhaps that can be taken a bit too literally.

I'm also curious to hear, for those gals who've achieved their goals or are close -- do you feel like men pay more attention to you now, or is it not really noticeable? And if you do notice a difference, does it ever go through your mind, "I wonder if he would have hit on me before?".

Then and Now

Measurement	Then (Oct 23, 2006)	Now (Feb 8, 2007)
Neck	15"	13"
Shoulders	46"	39.5"
Chest	42"	37.25"
Waist	38"	32"
Stomach	42"	34.25"
Hips	46"	40.25"
Thigh	26"	23"
Calf	17"	15.25"
Bicep	15"	11.25"
Forearm	?	9"

:)

Total Loss: 2" + 6.5" + 4.75" + 6" + 7.75" + 5.75" + 3" + 1.75" + 3.75" + ? = 41.75" + ? + optional doubling of multiple body parts ;)

(The first date is a week or two after I started WW, and the second date is two weeks ago.)

Aside from being pretty pleased at actual numbers showing me how far I've come, I'm having a really good food day. Since other people have commented on the issue of whether or not to post daily meals, maybe I'll try posting my first:

Breakfast:

• Bran muffin w/ 1 tbsp all-fruit jam (2.5)
• 1/2 c. non-fat Astro yogourt (1)

Lunch:

• 2 c. chicken noodle soup (4)
• 2 slices WW bread and 1 tbsp peanut butter (3)

Snacks:

• 1 c. blueberries (1)
• Another bran muffin and jam (2.5)
• 1 c. strawberries (1)

Dinner:

• WW pita (3)
• Mozzerella cheese (2)
• Ham (1)
• Tomato sauce (1/2)
• Pineapple (1/2)

Total: 22/23

And that's it! It's so rare that I don't eat all my points, but honestly until about 5 minutes ago the pita pizza kept me filled up, and now I've already brushed my teeth and it's time for bed... so no snack to fill out the final point.

I know I'm a little low on veggies today, but that's relatively unusual... I usually have a salad for lunch and only 1 c. of soup, but I'm running out of things at work because we're moving offices this week and I'm trying to empty out the fridge!

I Have No Title

Who was it who said the other day that titles are the hardest part of blog posts? Anyway, I concur!

Today was such a stressful day at work... I'm surprised I managed to avoid splurging in the afternoon, to be honest. (I think my bad night last night kept me from going overboard, actually.) I'm really glad that my current project is going to be over this Friday. It's actually a four-month-long project that I completed in November that I've been asked to work on some more, but rather than it being just me and the project lead, there's now a whole team assembled and communication is taking ten times as much effort as before. STRESS.

(In case anyone's curious, I'm an information architect / usability consultant, which means that I help people design websites in a user-friendly way.)

Anyway, after the tres stressful day I headed to my WW meeting, where I discovered that I lost 1.6 lbs this week. Shock of all shocks... I went over flex (waaaaay over) and still managed to lose. Perhaps last night's bad decisions just haven't had a chance to catch up to me yet, but either way, I'm back on track now. The only sweet I had tonight was a banana dipped in 1/4 c. sugar-free chocolate pudding, which is, let me tell you, a huge improvement over my usual dessert choices. :P

(I would like to point out that sugar-free Jello pudding is disgusting and tasteless. I bought some a while ago to try but I think I might throw out the rest of the mix because it truly is not satisfying. Give me real-sugar pudding any day, even with the extra point!)

Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh

I just ate waaaaay too much candy for no reason. I am pathetic. I had gone over my flex ALREADY and then binged on total crap. I am smarter than this! I haven't done this since before I started this whole program! The whole time I kept thinking "I will regret this later" but it didn't stop me... sigh.

I really shouldn't weigh-in the day before my weigh-in... it just demoralizes me to the point where I don't give a care anymore. Sigh.

So, new rules:

• Throwing out all my crap corn syrup / glucose-fructose candy: licorice, gummy bears, Dots (from when we went to Boston in September). I might keep the Good and Plentys (also from the trip to Boston) because they are my absolute favourite and I can't get them again easily should I decide I've made a horrible mistake. ;)
• New goal: 158 by the day we move to our new place, April 1st (I'm at 164.4 right now).
• No watching TV until after brushing teeth and vowing not to eat anything else for the rest of the night. (It's always when I snack on shitty stuff... when I bring out Veronica Mars Season 2 and sit on the couch.)
• No throwing away a whole night just because I stayed the same over the course of a week. Really, considering two New Year's meals I guess that's not so bad. Though of course I'll probably go up now that I've eaten all this crap tonight, sigh.

I keep telling myself this is a process. I won't be perfect right away... each time I struggle or make a mistake it's another learning opportunity. I know I can't rush this and that there are going to be bumps along the way. I'm just such a perfectionist that it's hard not to feel like a horrible, sad excuse for a WWer whenever I have a setback.

Boo, boo, boo, boo. I'm even reading a book on emotional eating right now! What the hell am I doing?!

I Must Be Doing Something Right

I had two good moments yesterday afternoon. Before we went to his parents' place for Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, J and I went to the Great Canadian Superstore to go to a PC Financial Pavilion and open up a joint chequing account. We had some time to kill afterward, so we started exploring the store. Lo and behold, this grocery store is MUCH more than a grocery store... they sell housewares, and hardware, and CLOTHING!

Ha, I know I'm about the last person on earth to discover this stuff, but give us downtowners a break... I don't live anywhere near a Loblaws or Superstore so this had all been the stuff of legend until I actually made it out to the 'burbs to see it for myself.

I'd heard people say good things about the Joe clothing line but what I didn't realize was that everything was so cheap! I found a skirt I liked for $19 -- absolutely crazy.

So, NSV #1:

I wanted to try on a matching brown jacket with the skirt, so I found the medium. I said to Julian "Ohhh, that looks really small, I'd better take the large too."

I got in the fitting room and -- the medium fit! (Well, it was a teensy bit tight in the shoulders but I'm sure that would go away in a month or so.)

I think my brain's idea of my size is still catching up to the reality of my body. In my head I am still 'that girl'. Honestly, when I look down at my legs and my belly, they don't seem all that different from before, but I do know that if I had tried to put a medium on five months ago I would have split the seams. Ha, funny mental image.

I wonder if I'll ever get used to this or if my body image will always remain distorted?

NSV #2:

I took the size 10 and size 12 skirts to the fitting room and tried on the 10. It was too big. Unfortunately they didn't have an 8 in that skirt but I tried one on in a different pattern and it fit.

You heard it right, folks... Miss Meredi fit into a size 8 for the first time in essentially 'ever'! :)

It's only one item of clothing, and I routinely fit smaller size skirts than pants (my waist has trimmed down faster than my thighs, and thigh size doesn't matter in skirts) but it's still pretty exciting. Now I just have to track down another place that sells Joe so I can actually buy the skirt I want in size 8!

Why I Blog

The lovely Marie wrote a post today asking everyone why they feel the need to blog. Before I read other people's comments on the subject I want to formulate my own response.

First and foremost, I'm here because I needed an outlet. I knew there were going to be certain things along the way that only other WWers could relate to, and I didn't want to bore people in my day-to-day life with every concern or tiny success. I needed a place where I could say anything without feeling self-conscious or like a conversational burden. Writing also helps me sort out my emotions -- often they float around in my head randomly and it's not until I attempt to get them out on the screen that I am able to delve deeper and understand why I'm feeling the way I am.

As Marie said, being able to turn this into a two-way dialogue is a huge bonus. I find comments to be a huge adrenaline rush -- it's so exciting to get a little email full of encouragement or understanding right when you're feeling frustrated or depressed. There really isn't anything much better in life than knowing other people can relate to you, that other people have experienced the same things and know what you're going through. It makes everything just a little easier to handle.

I think I've also rediscovered some of my passion for blogging again, because weight loss is a safe topic to discuss and get personal about. (Safe, that is, because no one from my day-to-day life knows about this space.) I had a personal blog where I wrote almost daily from 1999 to 2005, but after I met my boyfriend I stopped writing because everything seemed too personal to disclose. I didn't want him to feel like his life was on display, and to be honest I didn't want my life with him to be on display either. Once I started working full time rather than living the student life, I had even fewer things I felt comfortable divulging in public. But now I'm able to get personal about a subject I've only minimally addressed in my life -- there's lots to talk about, and I feel comfortable doing so in this space.

I could have started sharing on the WW threads, but parts of them seemed really cliquey (simply because people had known each other for so long and I was a newcomer), and most of them seemed to be filled with inane chatter (nice if you want to have fun and have lots of time to browse, but a bit frustrating when you're looking for thought-provoking or useful tidbits). The effort-to-useful-information ratio seemed to be extremely unbalanced, so to be honest I stopped reading altogether when I found this alternative. On blogs, I like that I can get to know people personally and on a regular basis, and people's blog entries usually have significantly more thought put into them because they're being published for the world rather than scribbled down quickly on a forum somewhere.

Anyway, I'm extremely grateful to have discovered this little community, and I'm glad that I'm part of it in some small way. All of you ladies have been tremendously supportive and inspirational, and I look forward to reading all of your upcoming posts!

Why I Love My Boyfriend

Everyone's writing posts about all the wonderful things their boyfriends/husbands did for them today, and it's really lovely! J and I didn't exchange gifts today because of our last minute change of plans with respect to sleeping arrangements, and we limited ourselves to $20 anyway... but I did want to point out why I'm desperately in love with this guy. He posts things like this on my blog (this was on the "EEEEEEEE!" entry):

Anonymous said...

Subject line also known as "4008636142" :-)

If you get that you're a far better geek than I -- I had to admit I didn't get it. Sure enough, he points out that 0xEEEEEEEE = 4008636142.

We both have computer engineering degrees, can you tell? LOL. (That number above is a hexadecimal number, used extensively in computer programming.) Anyway, I don't know if that makes anyone giggle but me, but since I'm the one moving in with him I guess I'm the only one who matters ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Well, my boyfriend and I kind of flubbed up Valentine's Day... at first I was supposed to go to his house after dinner, but I asked him at the last minute if he could come here instead. Then it turned out that he couldn't come here either. So we had a lovely meal together (paid for by the extremely old laptop of mine we just sold on Ebay, yay!) and then went our separate ways. Not quite what either of us had in mind, but we're seeing each other tomorrow night anyway, so it's all good.

I promised a pic of the new dress. Just for clarification, I was considering not wearing it so that I could actually return it, but then I decided to take everyone's advice and just go for it. Thanks for all of your congratulatory comments on the last post by the way -- you're all so amazing!

So here's the dress (and me at size medium!):

(click to enlarge)

Happy, Happy Day

Wow, today has been a really good day.

• We signed the lease!
  The house is ours. I am finding it difficult to contain my excitement on this one.
  
  
• I lost 2.8 lbs this week!
  I'm pretty sure some of it is loss from last week that just didn't show up, but regardless, I am officially down to 164.4 lbs. My goal for Valentine's day was 164 lbs, so I'm considering that goal met. :) I'm so glad my slump is over... I feel back in control again!
  
  
• Tomorrow is Valentine's Day!
  My boyfriend and I are going for a nice dinner in Leslieville. I splurged on a new dress this past weekend... I really love it, but I'm not sure whether or not to wear it because a) it's pretty dressy, b) I already have another dress I could wear, and there's a chance I might shrink out of this one before I can even wear it again, and c) it's going to be really cold and wet and snowy tomorrow. But, but, it's so cute! Perhaps I'll have to try it on again tonight and make the final decision. If I do wear it I promise to take a photo of us!

EEEEEEEE!!!!

We are this --><-- close to having a new apartment! The landlord has already signed the lease, and all that remains is for us to sign and give him our deposit cheque.

I'm so so so excited. We're moving in together, for starters, which is tremendously exciting. And as if that isn't enough, we found a beautiful place in a great neighbourhood. It's an entire house, all for us and our kitties! It has a yard! And a bay window! And a kitchen with more than three cupboards! And a WASHER/DRYER!

Unfortunately I can't seem to get into my domain at the moment so I had to post photos in a sort of round-about manner on Flickr. So for those who are interested, go see the photos of my soon-to-be apartment! (Do let me know if for some reason that link doesn't work...)

As for WW, I was incredibly good today and didn't have any sweets during the afternoon... except for a green tea latte, but that was planned and in my mind is much better than the hard candies I usually dine on around 3pm. The only bad thing is that I haven't yet exercised. I know I should, but ugh, don't I deserve a break? I'm so tired... and I can always go tomorrow after my weigh-in...

Kick in the Pants

Okay, this is the week I get back on track. I am counting everything. If I don't have the proper amount of dairy, protein and fruits & veggies each and every day, there is no way anything sweet is crossing my lips. That's all there is to it! I'm also drinking, drinking, drinking.

Unfortunately I started off my week on a bit of a downer... I tried to be good by eating a veggie burger at lunch, but it turned out to have a lot of nuts and seeds in it, so I ended up estimating it as 10 pts total. I ended the day 7 pts over my daily target, EEEEK! That means I am going to be so perfect until Saturday... I am not using any one of those points until I really need to.

I always end up saving my flex for the weekend, because that's when I see my boyfriend most. I like splurging when I'm with him... we'll go out for brunch, or out for dinner somewhere, and I usually end up digging into my flex considerably.

I'm considering maybe adding my 24th point back on. Would that do horrible things? It's just that 23 is just such a psychological hurdle for me for some reason. Entering the evening with 10 points sounds just fine, but entering the evening with 9 points seems impossible. No, I should just power through this, shouldn't I? I won't get used to it if I don't force myself.

I lost 0.4 lbs this week by the way, which I guess is good, but it means I'm still up over my weight from two weeks ago, so I'm extremely bummed about that. But I am BACK ON THE WAGON! No more underestimating points. From here on in it is all about honesty, and erring on the side of overestimating (points, that is -- not portions, heh).

NSV and reward!

Mmmmmm... shopping.

I spent all afternoon in the Eaton Centre yesterday. I can't believe how much easier it is to shop for clothes for a smaller body! It's yet another advantage to losing weight that I didn't really think of. If my standard size is too big, I can go down a size. If my standard size is too small, I can go up a size. The last one, of course, is the kicker. If you go in a shop, pull an XL off the shelf, and discover that it's a teensy bit too small, sorry girl, you are out of luck.

Anyway, yesterday was pretty motivating. Even the stuff that I purchased partway into this whole WW thing is starting to get big. Case in point: the new size L belt I bought a Smart Set a couple of months ago. I had to go back yesterday and buy a M.

That, in fact, is my NSV: Almost everything I bought yesterday was medium! I never, ever thought I would fit into a medium. I cannot tell you when the last time was that I fit into a medium. Maybe sometime in grade 6 or 7? Yeah, I honestly don't know.

So I have some cozy new sweaters, a flirty jean skirt, a new pair of pants, a new wrap-around shirt, lots of new undies and bras, and the all-important belt. YAY! If this feeling doesn't keep me honest this week, I don't know what will.

Of course, I did come home last night and have two Hershey sticks and two servings of Goodies for a total of 6 points. Sigh. But I did count them against my daily points / flex, and I'm not going to do it at all for the rest of the week. That is a promise.

Lastly, I also found a reward for when I reach goal: a beautiful crystal necklace from Swarovski. Unfortunately I can't seem to find it on the Swarovski site, but as I told my boyfriend last night, picture a standard pearl necklace where the pearls are actually cut crystals. So beautiful! :) So now I finally have something to aim for (well, aside from the joy of simply being at goal weight of course)!

Hope everyone's Sunday goes splendidly!

I want...

• A Starbucks pumpkin scone
• Real nachos, and that nacho cheese you make from a package -- for dinner
• A blackberry green tea frappuccino
• Winegums, ju-jubes, gummy bears, jelly beans, Goodies, Nibs
• A real, full chocolate bar (mmm, Caramilk or Aero)
• Pizza, preferably Hawaiian with garlic dipping sauce from Pizza Pizza
• Pizza Hut breadsticks with marinara dipping sauce
• Chocolate cake
• A couple handfuls of cashews
• Garlic bread
• Waffles, pancakes, french toast
• Cadbury Creme Eggs
• Thai iced tea
• Spring rolls
• Fries with ketchup and vinegar
• A meal of (full-fat) cheese and crackers
• A big chicken roti
• A big burrito with guacamole and sour cream
• A meal of Creamy Parmesan Lipton Sidekicks
• Hot chocolate
• More than one glass of milk in a day
• A muffin... any kind would do, preferably BIG
• More than one glass of wine
• A Tim Horton's plain tea biscuit
• A big double chocolate or white chocolate or ginger cookie
• Dim sum
• A creamy soup
• Cheesies
• A Starbucks oat-fudge bar
• A big, Mexican something
• An apple fritter
• Indian buffet with unlimited naan
• Brunch with eggs benedict and garlic fries at Maggie's
• More real nachos

Sigh, I thought in some twisted way this might make me feel better... or motivate me to use my points more wisely... but no. And I've either made all of you disgusted with all the nasty things I used to eat, or maybe you're a bit like me and you're salivating right now.

I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. :(

Unhappy Meals

If you haven't yet, I highly recommend read reading Unhappy Meals, an article by Michael Pollan in this week's New York Times Magazine.

The article is about nutritionism, or how Western society has, over the past several decades, begun reducing food down into vitamins and nutrients rather than focussing on whole foods. The author talks about how it's not just about eating certain doses of nutrients each day -- it really depends how we're getting them, and in what combinations.

The article explains why, when I tried to get advice from my doctor about what vitamin pill to take for WW, she actually suggested I buy a whole food supplement like Greens+. She believes there are lots of nutrients we don't know a thing about yet, and by taking a vitamin pill where only certain vitamins have been added to the mix, I'm bound to be missing out on things my body needs.

Unfortunately whole food supplements are insanely expensive and I'm hesitant to spend $50 on a bottle until I know I'm going to like it... so I've kind of stalled on that particular project. ;)

Anyway, the article is highly recommended. It really put our highly processed, fast, high-glucose food culture in perspective for me. He recommends not eating anything your great-great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food. Eeek! Easier said than done!

The author of the article is the author of the book The Omnivore's Dilemma which has been mentioned several times on CBC Radio over the past few months. I'm really going to have to get myself a copy -- I think it would be most enlightening!

Not sure what to write...

First things first, I totally lied the other day when I said Larabars were only 2 points! I lost my mind... the apple pie ones are 3 points, and most of the others are 4 points. Sorry if I led anyone astray there. That fact might explain my next piece of news...

I gained 0.6 lbs this week. Sigh. I'm okay with it, and I'm back on track, but it's my first gain and I think it's bound to be a little traumatic. I've been working out lots, but I know I've been a bit lax with the point counting lately, so I'm just going to start from scratch and be good this week. Hopefully it will pay off.

I don't have much else to say right now... feeling pensive... and it sounds like my neighbour is getting electrocuted... so I think I'll go check on that.

Okay, that was a bad idea...

Usually, weighing in at the gym halfway through my week, or the day before my weigh-in, is a motivating experience. I'm down a little, or a lot, and it gives me the strength to power through for the rest of the week (or puts my mind at ease for the next day's weigh-in).

Not so today at the gym: I weighed 168.7, or 1.7 lbs more than I did on Tuesday. Not sure how this happened, and yes, I know weight fluctuates throughout the day, but... still? I've never, EVER seen a gain on a scale since I started this whole thing, even during my numerous clandestine trips to the scale mid-week.

Anyway, I'm not entirely deflated... just mildly. I will keep on keeping at it until Tuesday and cross my fingers for at least a small loss. And I am certainly not going to keep this from letting me enjoy my nice dinner out tonight -- we're going for Thai, and I've saved 14 points, plus have 20 flex left for the week in case of emergency!

(We're actually going to CanStage for our second of three theatre performances -- part of my Christmas present from J. Since we'll probably walk past Le Marche on the way home, there might indeed be a dessert emergency that arises! Mmmmm... crepes...) ;)

Low Point Foods, Mmm!

I recently discovered Hop and Go! multigrain bars. Has anyone else ever tried these? I got them at Price Chopper for $2.79 for six bars -- and the flavour I bought (Cranberry-Strawberry) is only two points per bar! They're also a "fresh" product, meaning they only have a shelf life of a week or two -- no icky preservatives like all those other bars out there.

I discovered the bars through this Toronto Star Vice Squad article, which gave them a rave review. (For those who aren't familiar with it, Vice Squad is a column that runs once a week, where nutritionists look at new products and assess just how healthy they really are. Highly recommended!)

My other suggested food is Larabars. They're expensive (averaging about $2 per bar) and they're a little hard to find (Noah's Natural Foods and The Big Carrot are my main sources in Toronto) but they're made from whole foods and are extremely tasty. The apple pie one, which is only two three points per bar (most others are three four points per bar), has the following ingredients: dates, walnuts, unsweetened apples, almonds, raisins and cinnamon. Seriously, how can you beat that? You can pronounce every since ingredient -- AND every ingredient is good for you. I love eating half right before a workout, a quarter during my workout, and a quarter after my workout. It gives me more energy than anything else I've tried, and it keeps me full for an hour or more, even when I work out at dinnertime!

What a strange week...

Well, I was hungry all last week, and had some terrible cravings. Not sure what my problem was, but I'm sure it has to do with weakening resolve. "I've lost 30 pounds, I can start to relax!" my brain is saying. No, brain, this is forever.

That said, I'm also fairly certain that my metabolism went up a notch this week, because I ate lots of fibre and protein but still managed to be hungry a large portion of the time. I ended up eating more than my 35 flex points -- the first time I've ever done that!

Anyway, the strange part of the week was that despite the hunger and cravings, I still managed to lose 3.0 lbs. What the heck? Now really. Some girls work their butts off to get a 1 lb loss, and here I go and eat MORE points than I should and end up losing MORE weight than I should? Completely bizarre. It also makes me feel bad. I'm sorry, girls! I wish I could share my losses with you :/

The slightly scary thing is that I've lost 33.1 lbs over 14 weeks on the program, making my average loss 2.36 lbs/week. That is not healthy according to just about anyone you talk to, but I've been following the program to a tee, eating most of my activity points, and most of my flex points, and working out two to three times a week for 60 to 90 minutes each time.

Anyway, I'm baffled. I'm going to see how this week goes and then maybe speak to my leader about what I can do to change things up a little.

P.S. Thanks to everyone for your supportive words on my last post, I really appreciate them! :)

Bad week

Sigh, I feel like I'm falling off the wagon. All week I've been staaaaarving and haven't been able to satiate myself with my 24 points. And eek, if I lose at all this week, I'll actually go down to a 23 point allowance from now on! (I'm exact at 170.0 lbs right now.)

Am I losing motivation? Am I settling in too much? I need to kick it up a notch. You would not believe how much naan I devoured last night at supper. And both yesterday and today I have dined on candy at work. How do I resist the candy? Oh, what to do, what to do.

Whine whine whine whine. Sorry gals, I will try to control the whining a bit more in the future, just needed to get this off my chest.

Things that are better since I started WW

• I can do pretty much any typical activity and not get winded. This wasn't all that bad before, but it's definitely much better now.
• I don't feel guilty on the streetcar or subway anymore -- if someone's touching me it's not because I'm overflowing my seat.
• I can shop in any store I want to! (Haven't taken full advantage of this yet, but it really was a joy to shop in RW & Co a few weeks ago, and I'm looking forward to actually being able to find clothes in vintage shops/boutiques!)
• I'm learning how to cook some really tasty food.
• When I eat out I get two meals for the price of one!
• I enjoy my food more because it's so valuable to me. I'm trying to take more time to sit down and savour the flavours instead of just inhaling it.
• Treats are more meaningful, so I enjoy them more. Chocolate is a big deal. Desserts are a big deal. I look forward to them rather than assuming they'll be there.
• I feel like I finally fit in among the urban young people. So few people my age and in my demographic (which, sigh, is probably best defined as "yuppie") are big -- I just felt dowdy compared to them. Even though some people can pull off the "plus size hip" I definitely wasn't one of them.
• I'm not going to feel embarrassed when I have that clothing swap with my friends.
• I can feel and see my bones -- like my collar bone and my hip bones -- and for some strange reason it makes me more aware of my humanity. Is that weird?
• I won't ever be referred to as "chunky" again!