My Lean Eating Team (for better or worse)

I had intended to write here more frequently during Lean Eating, but have been worried about this blog being public. I think the benefit of writing and getting the support of my dear friends is far too great to worry about the potential consequences. So what if someone else I know stumbles across this. All I'm talking about is food and exercise, right?

So there's this Lean Eating exercise that I've been avoiding for pretty much exactly a month:

1. Think of the most common thoughts and ideas you have about your Lean Eating progress and experience.
2. Imagine that each thought/idea represents a character on your “inner team”. Envision these characters clearly.
3. Decide who stays and who gets cut from the team roster.

I honestly don't know why I've been avoiding this so long, except that maybe it felt like too much hard work -- too much introspection. This is ridiculous though; I'm never going to get anywhere with any of this if I don't do some heavy lifting.

My most common thoughts on Lean Eating these days are thus:

• There is no way I can continue this long-term. I am not strong enough to resist the temptations of modern city living. (Weakling)
• I miss eating the things my friends eat. I feel limited in my choices. (Peer-pressure-caver)
• I can't believe that I've only lost X inches / Y pounds so far. Other people have lost twice that! I'm clearly not trying hard enough / not dedicating myself enough / missing some secret thing that others know about / a failure. (Comparer)
• Other people must have a happy, bouncy, optimistic gene that I lack. Random so-called "inspirational" quotes just aren't that inspiring to me. (Downer)
• I can't believe I'm only where I was at when I started Weight Watchers. (Comparer)
• This is incredibly hard work and I just don't know if it's worthwhile. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just eat crap for the rest of my life and die early. (Whiner)

Tinier voices:

• Okay, maybe I am getting somewhere here. It took 4 months, but I am seeing progress. (Progress Recognizer)
• I have some muscles that I didn't used to have. (Progress Recognizer)
• A couple of people have commented that I look like I'm losing weight. That's gratifying. (External Praise Recognizer)
• My trainer commented that I was strong... much stronger than I thought. (External Praise Recognizer)
• If I keep going, perhaps this will get easier and easier.
• I am making many positive changes in my life even if I'm not exactly where I want to be yet. (Progress Recognizer)
• It's okay to stumble as long as I get back up. (Encourager)
• I think maybe I can do this. (Optimist)

Clearly I have a lot of negative people on my team. I know I need to stop whining, comparing, etc. and focus on my own journey. It's going to be extremely difficult, but I think in my heart of hearts I still know that it will be worthwhile. This is stupid, but there is nothing I want more than a shopping spree at Anthropologie when I get to my goal size... and a blood test to show that my health has genuinely improved.

Difficult-easy and Difficult-difficult

A little while ago, we had a lesson on Lean Eating about "difficult-easy" vs. "difficult-difficult". I left the lesson unfinished for quite a while because I actually found it hard to think about.

The concepts come from Alwyn Cosgrove's blog post on the subject. His basic idea is that there are things we think are "difficult" that are actually easy because we no longer fear them. They may require effort, but they're not helping us tackle new skills or expand our horizons, so-to-speak. We avoid truly difficult things because we fear them... and avoiding them is easier than tackling them head-on.

For me, tackling this topic was actually difficult-difficult, which is why I avoided it for so long. It's like I didn't want to admit to myself that I was avoiding anything. But I have an urge to hit 100% completeness on my LE assignments, and really, I need to tackle this sooner or later anyway. My former colleague, Shannah, used to call this licking the toad.

Some ideas on things that are difficult-difficult in my life:

• Admitting that I've regained all the weight I lost before, and more -- and that I'm no longer leading a healthy life (this has been tackled by joining LE and committing to it for a year and beyond)


• Ending something in my life that is no longer making me happy -- because it's wrapped up in my identity and I'm afraid of losing something that I wear like a badge of honour


• Accepting that I can't be perfect all the time (which includes at work)


• Getting over my fear of failing at this program -- I'm trying very hard day by day, but it's incredibly difficult not to worry that I'm going to do it wrong, or somehow miss out on the benefits, particularly when I've barely seen any physical changes thus far


• Making friends in New York -- I'm so afraid of putting myself out there that I've only made one friend in 6 months


• That even once I lose the weight I won't be able to keep it off

Now they're identified, but the big question is what to do about them.

Email Subscription & Europe Update

I know I'm being weird maintaining me Lean Eating log here instead of right on the Precision Nutrition site. I just like the idea of continuing my old blog, plus having a place where my other friends can stay in touch with me.

For those Lean Eaters who like subscribing to others' threads and getting notified by email when something new has arrived, I've added a feature to this blog. Just scroll down and on the right hand side there's an email form. Enter your email and you'll officially be subscribed!

I'm still in Europe. Right now my physiotherapy routine is really my only PN work. I've been eating quite poorly (my parents are a horrible influence) and right now can't wait to get to Ireland, where I'll have a bit more control over my choices (instead of eating family meals).

I'm looking forward to getting back on track with my gym schedule when I get home. Right now I'm having to live vicariously through all the wonderful ladies whose logs I'm following!

Catch Up

I've been busy for the last couple of days so haven't had the time to properly muse about the daily lessons. It's 5am in Nice and I've been up for two hours... so what better time to catch up, right?

First, about the January 17th lesson:

Make a list of things you’ve tried to lose weight in the past. Now ask yourself, “How did that work for me?”

I know many women have tried numerous dieting programs, but I've only tried one thing: Weight Watchers.

The Weight Watchers (WW) thing, many years later... I don't really regret it, per se. It was a relatively safe way to lose my weight, but there were two key things about it that I didn't like:

The first thing I didn't like about WW was that it vilified fat. Basically, WW is a calorie counting program. You're allowed a certain number of points per day, depending on your weight. 1 point generally equals 50 calories. Except the calculation of points is rigged a little... 50 calories that have a lot of fibre in them cost slightly less than a point. Calories that have a lot of fat in them cost slight more than a point.

The result of this fat/fibre calculation is that people are supposed to skew their foods away from fatty ones and toward fibrous ones. This means a lot of whole grains and not very many nuts and avocados. Honestly, I never ate avocados on WW because they "cost" me so much points-wise. The same goes for nuts and seeds. How is it healthy to avoid avocados, nuts and seeds? Eaten in the proper amounts, there is nothing wrong with them (particularly if the nuts and seeds are raw rather than roasted). But here I was, eating WW snack cakes and chocolate bars instead. Bleagh. (That's another thing I didn't like about WW - their promotion of processed and artificial foods, rather than whole, unprocessed foods... as evidenced by their WW line of Splenda-laced crap.)

The second thing I didn't like about WW was the counting. I was obsessed with optimizing my points and always had to plan a day's activities around food. I would only go out to Japanese restaurants or places I could get salads, which affected my social life. I knew every point value for foods I commonly ate and was constantly thinking about food. I drove my husband bonkers... and to be honest, I drove myself bonkers too. When I finally hit maintenance I experimented with eating healthily without counting. It was a great struggle.

All of my obsession with food and counting calories led to binge eating. I would get to the end of the day and wouldn't have enough points to eat what I wanted to eat... and instead I would gorge on sweets. I was working out with a personal trainer at the time (2 to 2.5 hours a day at the gym, 3 to 4 times a week) and it was only because of this intense workout schedule that I was managing to keep the pounds off. When I stopped working out because of my back, on they came.

So yes, although WW technically helped me lose 50 pounds, and I learned a lot while on the program, I can say confidently that it didn't work for me. I'm looking forward to trying something much more healthful and sustainable.

The Fat Trap

I finally had a chance to read this article in the New York Times, and I worry that I shouldn’t have: The Fat Trap

It basically talks about how, once a person’s body is used to being at a certain weight, it sabotages itself to return to that original weight after weight loss. Hormones (like leptin and ghrelin) get out of whack, and muscles fundamentally change so that they use fewer calories.

At first I dismissed a lot of what they were talking about because people in their studies were losing weight really quickly (on 800 cal/day diets and such) but they said they expect that it’s the same situation if people lose weight slowly too.

The author says she’s glad to know what she has in store for her when she loses weight, but it’s hard not to be depressed about this. Can I really exercise every day for the rest of my life to keep the weight off once I’ve lost it?

I know that PN bans “worry” questions and you’re supposed to take each day at a time, but I’m really struggling with this. On one hand, it’s nice to know that regaining weight isn’t as much of a personal failing as society seems to think it is. But on the other hand, it seems hopeless unless one has nothing to do all day except worry about food and exercise. I’ve been down that path before and it’s not healthy.

A Fresh Start

So, here I am again. Hello to all my old friends who still have my in their feed readers (if anyone), and hello to all my new friends from Lean Eating. I considered starting a regular log on the PN site but I thought the lack of post/comment structure might drive me batty. I hope the fact that my journal is over here won't deter anyone from checking in now and then.

I'm coming up on the end of the first week of my Lean Eating program. So far, so good, except that I'm feeling bad about having to take things so easy in the lower body department. I'm so afraid of accidentally disturbing my ruptured discs, and I'm worried that if I can't do the full exercises that I won't be able to lose weight like everyone else. At any rate, I'm going to try my best.

The one bad thing I've run into so far is that I was invited out TWICE this week after work with colleagues, and I had to turn them down because I had to go to the gym. This was saddening, as I desperately want to get to know my new colleagues better, but I didn't think it'd work to go out with them any try to hit the gym later. I might try doing the gym in the morning to allow more time for socializing after work, but that means my schedule would be quite off from my husband's. Not sure how that'd work out.

My goals for the program are as follows:

• Feel strong again - like I did when I was working with my personal trainer
• Lose weight and feel comfortable in my skin again
• Eat lovely whole foods, and reduce my dependency on sugar and candy
• Not get crazy-obsessive over my food like I did when I was on Weight Watchers

Okay, I'm going to make that it for this evening. More soon!

Back on the Wagon

I signed up for WW Online tonight. I didn't want to do it... I still don't agree with their whole points calculation thing (fat is not EVIL!) but honestly, I've lost control and it's the only thing I know that can keep me accountable. If any of the free sites had a food entry system that was as good as WW's, I wouldn't be paying. But for now, the cost is worth it.

For those who haven't seen me... well, I've been not exercising for 7 full months now. I stopped my really tough trainer's routine in January after I started seeing a physiotherapist for my lower back. I've recently been started on some anti-inflammatories which seem to be working wonders (and in the meantime am waiting for results from blood tests / a bone scan), so I'm going to try to start spinning again. I miss it so much and am really hating this whole not feeling fit thing. I feel like a slob and it's killing me.

The other news is that J and I are engaged. It happened 5 or 6 weeks ago, maybe? The wedding is set for October 18th, which is approaching more quickly than I'd like to admit. I'm still really happy though.

For those who care :) the proposal was, well, non-existent. We were just laying in bed one night, talking, and we realized that we each finally felt ready. So it was settled.

New Post On Iderem

I hate having a private blog but there are some things I just don't want my other friends to read about. All you WW ladies are most welcome though, so if you want to read just send me your email address. I'm meredi at [Google's really popular email program].com.

If you already have access, shuffle on over to Iderem.

New Iderem Post

New whining over on Iderem. Non-weight related (though in the end it's all related).

New Post On Iderem

I forgot to mention that I updated Iderem last week. Oops!

*waves hello again*

First, thanks to folks for the bday wishes. I turn 27 today, and it feels pretty much like a non-event. I think I might have been telling people I'm 27 for a while now, accidentally. 27 seems neither old nor young to me -- quite inbetween. I'm cool with it though. I have three years left before I cross over into official adulthood at age 30. By age 30 you're supposed to be on track... until then it's all good.

Speaking of being on track, my financial advisor emailed me yesterday. At the end of the message, she said: "If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to call. Otherwise, enjoy your Birthday and your growing RRSP!" It completely cracked me up. Yay, growing RRSP. Just the thing a girl wants as a 27th birthday gift!

I haven't been around much lately. I'm sure you gals have noticed that I am tres flaky on the blogging front. It's not that I don't love you, I do, things have just been busy lately. I had my worst week in a long time last week, food- and mood-wise. My trainer was gobsmacked by the fact that I gained 3 pounds in two weeks, sigh. It was not a surprise to me in the least.

Anyway, since that night I've been on track. Today it's my birthday and so far I've had yogurt, blueberries and a bit of granola, a granola bar (emergency food when the streetcar didn't come for 30 minutes), some toast with jam and hazelnut butter, and a deliiicious cobb salad. Tonight we will be at the Hillside Festival in Guelph and I will choose something yummy and healthy. No hemp cookies for me this year!

I almost forgot to mention that I went for my second-ever outside run this morning! I was going to go to the gym to lift weights but didn't make it in time, so I decided to go for a half hour run in my neighbourhood instead. It was a lovely morning, so aside from the fact that I had to come back to the house 10 minutes into the run to take another inhaler puff (Toronto air SUCKS) it was quite a nice way to start my morning. I may try doing it more often :)

Have a great weekend lovelies!

*Waves Hello*

I exist, really!

I just never got back in the swing of blogging when I got back from my NYC vacation. I have over 1000 items to read in Google Reader at the moment -- dozens and dozens of posts by you lovely ladies, plus all the other stuff I read (a little of this, a little of that). It is a sad situation. Worse, life is so jam-packed that I don't know when I'm going to be able to put a significant dent in the back-log!

On the good news front, I am doing really well. I've been working out like a fiend -- three full body strength sessions a week, plus 2-4ish hours of cardio. The crazy thing is that I'm actually enjoying it. This morning I woke up early (by accident) and decided, what the heck, I might as well go to the gym and get my strength training in!

Even better news is that now that I'm spending more time training, I'm actually seeing results. After my two awful weeks a couple weeks back (with the 4 days in the cave with people criticizing my work non-stop) I got into high gear and lost 5 lbs! I'm also starting to see definition in my arms for the first time ever. I felt my shoulder yesterday and it was HARD! Way cool. These kinds of changes are extremely motivational. I want to see how toned I can get!

Eating-wise, I haven't been a saint by any stretch (two 90 cal Aero bars last night for instance, and a crapload of nachos at a bday party last weekend), but by and large I've been eating well. The fantastic thing is that I haven't been counting, and I couldn't feel better about it. It's amazing how stressed out it made me... and how it made me obsess about food every moment of the day. I feel so relieved now that I'm not worrying about it all the time. And when I do splurge, I don't feel bad about it, which is another fantastic thing. The binges have gone down HUGELY since I stopped counting and obsessing. Strange how the very thing that you think will help actually makes things worse sometimes.

Okay, must get back to work. Sara's little note made me want to say a quick hello to all you ladies though. I hope you are all doing well, and I miss you!

Japanese "Metabo"

Wow. This article from the NYT is a really fascinating read. I don't have much time to describe (meeting in 5 mins!) but it's pretty crazy the extreme to which they're going to get their (relatively small-bodied) population to lose weight.

Stressed, But Not Wanting Food

Life and work are crazy right now. It's a 50+ hour work week for me this week, and next week probably will be the same, because we're running four days of usability testing. Yes, that's right, I'll be in the cave for 4 days from 8:30-6:30. Wooo baby.

Anyway, this post is about this very moment, in which I am very stressed, trying to finish writing the script that we'll be using in our usability testing, and providing feedback to our developers about what they need to fix in the website prototype we'll be testing with. I desperately want to eat something to calm me down. The strange thing is, I really don't want to eat anything. I am fully satisfied, my stomach is pleasantly full from lunch, and I can't imagine eating a Le Gourmand cookie or a Starbucks scone or ANYTHING, for that matter.

I don't know what is different about this moment, but I almost feel a sense of loss. I desperately want a cookie because I know it will make me feel better, if only for a moment. It's like I've lost the cookie but I haven't found anything to take its place. I need a calorie-free serotonin rush, sigh.